Finding Complete
by WritingHealstheHeart
Summary: During a drunken night at Rossi's, Emily and Spencer explore a new side to their relationship. But what happens when Emily is "killed" by Doyle? What happens when she returns alive? Warning: sexual content is graphic. Do not read if you don't like detailed sex scenes.
1. Chapter 1 - Truth or Dare

_After reading a bunch of Emily and Spencer fanfiction – I found myself actually loving the prospect of them together. They would be adorable together. So here is my first fiction with them as a couple. I am currently working on another that I will post soon!_

 _Feedback would be awesome and greatly appreciated_

(xxxxx)

She didn't know when it happened. Maybe it was after Reid was kidnapped? The fear she felt watching him be physically and mentally abused was torture to her soul. She wanted to be able to reach through the screen and hold him. Tell him everything would be ok. But was that it or was that just angst for a friend. She knew everyone felt the same way watching his pain. Maybe it was when they were trapped at the compound with Benjamin Cyrus? How she cared more for his safety than her own. The look on his face when he saw her for the first time after being beaten. The way she feared more for his death than Morgan's when the compound exploded. The way she nearly collapsed when she saw him hobbling out of the smoke and flames. Normally they were nothing but professional, but this was the first time she broke that and dove into his arms. She didn't want to let him go. Thankfully nobody found this out of the ordinary considering what they had been through.

Maybe it was simpler than that? Maybe it wasn't a moment of turmoil, but just the little things. Like when he does physics magic or makes silly gestures while excitingly spouting out statistics. Maybe it was his adorable hair that while the length changed, its ability to stick out in all directions like he was constantly waking from a deep sleep never did. Or his brown eyes that changed from dark to light depending on the day. She could go on for hours, but whatever it was she found herself falling for Spencer Reid harder than anyone she'd ever fallen for. But did he feel the same? She was never one to be shy, but when it came to Spencer the thought of rejection was too much a risk. So she kept her feelings to herself and just enjoyed what moments she could as his friend and colleague.

Until one night in February, when the team went to Rossi's for a game night that quickly turned into a drinking fest. By the end of the evening, the entire team was wasted after indulging in games such as beer pong and poker with shots. Rossi had taken away everyone's keys and forced them all to spend the night in the safety of his home. One by one, they slowly faded out. It started with the two oldest. Hotch borrowed one of the guest rooms and not long after Rossi found himself tapping out and heading to his room. J.J. finally felt so lightheaded she went off to find the other guest room. At this point, Derek, Penelope, Emily, and Spencer were still hanging on and trying to find something else to do.

"Alright, alright, what about strip poker?" Derek suggested.

"You wish," Emily laughed.

"I'm in," Penelope said. "I wanna see what's hiding under those pants."

"Will you two just fuck and get it over with already," Emily said rolling her eyes.

This made Derek and Penelope laugh.

"What about truth or dare?" Penelope suggested.

"What are we in high school?" Emily said as she threw back her drink finishing it off.

"Ok, Debbie Downer, what do you want to do?" Derek asked.

"I didn't say no. I'm just making fun of us," she said as she licked a drop of alcohol off her lips. "I'm game for anything."

"Fine, than we are playing truth or dare," Penelope said with finality. "I'm going first. Derek, truth or dare?"

Derek looked thoughtful for a moment before he said, "truth."

"How big are you?" she asked with a gleam in her eye.

"That's not how it works. You need to ask a yes or no question. You can't have open ended questions," he said crossing his arms across his chest.

"Ok," she held her fingers out about 6 inches. "Is it bigger?"

Emily giggled as Spencer leaned back on his elbows to watch.

"Yes," he said.

Penelope let out a bunch of oh's and ah's and other incoherent sounds of joy.  
"Prentiss, have you had sex with anyone in the office?" Derek asked without preempt.

"No," she said. "Sorry to burst your dreams Morgan." She got up to pour herself another drink.

"It's your turn," Penelope called.

"I know. I'm thinking," she knew she wanted to learn more secrets about Spencer, but didn't know how or what to ask. "Ok, Reid." She saw him look at her as she came back over to sit down next to him. "Have you ever given a girl oral?" Penelope clapped, while Derek laughed as Spencer turned bright red.

"It's just us Reid. Anything said here is between us and no one else," Emily assured him as she shot the others a look of confirmation. They both agreed and waited expectantly for his answer.

To their complete surprise, Spencer nodded his head.

"What? No way! Pretty boy went muff diving?" Derek said in shock.

"Did you like it?" Emily asked.  
"Hey you don't get to ask two questions," Spencer protested.

Emily just shrugged and took a sip of her drink.

"It's my turn. Penelope I dare you to kiss Derek," he said with a smirk on his face.

Emily laughed and raised her drink in solute. Penelope scooted over and gave Derek a quick peck on the lips.

"Boo!" Emily hissed as she gave them the thumbs down.

"That was a kiss. You did not specify the kind of kiss," Penelope said sticking out her tongue. Spencer smiled and rolled his eyes. "Alright, back to you boy wonder. When you went down on that girl did she orgasm?"

"Ohhhh," Derek said as Spencer once again turned bright red. "No lies now Reid. Its' bad juju to lie," Derek reminded him.

Spencer sat up for a second and toyed with his shoe laces. "Why is this all on me?"

"Cause you are an enigma Dr. Reid," Emily said as she bumped him with her shoulder. He looked at her and noticed an odd look in her eyes. She almost seemed aroused. He ignored it and looked back at Penelope and Derek who were staring expectantly at him.

"Yes," he said ducking as everyone started shouting out excitedly.

"Damn Reid, I never figured you to be kinky like that," Derek said still laughing.  
"Of course you didn't. None of you would. You guys probably think I'm still a virgin," he said getting a little hurt by their laughter.

Emily noticed the look on his face and felt a pang of guilt.  
"We never thought you were a virgin," she said although she knew it was a lie. While the girls didn't think he was, she knew the boys liked to joke about it.

"Sure," he said sarcastically. "Look, besides natural ability I read a lot of books. I'm very knowledgeable and let's face it Morgan I can probably get a girl off better than you," he snapped.

Derek's mouthed formed an 'o' of surprise, while the girls both said "oooohhhh."

"That sounds like a challenge pretty Ricky," he said chuckling at drunk Reid.

"I'll judge him," Emily said suddenly jumping at the opportunity to make-out with Reid.

"What?" Spencer said shooting her a look of surprise, while Penelope and Derek grinned.

"Kiss me. I'll tell them whether you are all talk or not," she shrugged as if it was no big deal. On the inside her heart was pounding at the thought of Spencer's lips on hers.

"Emily, you can't be serious. I know we are drunk," he started.

"Are you scared pretty boy?" Derek taunted.

"No I'm not scared," his voice raised an octave. "She's my … we work together!"

"So. We aren't on the clock and we've already stated the rules that what happens right here is just between the four of us," Emily argued, hoping she didn't sound desperate.

Spencer seemed to consider what she was saying as he looked from person to person.

"Go ahead and do it," Penelope encouraged. "It can be real quick," she said trying to convince him.

"If I do it, then you two need to kiss too," he said pointing at Derek and Penelope.

"Fine. If that will ease your nerves," Derek agreed without hesitation.

Before Emily and Spencer could even get their position figured out, Penelope sat on her knees and pulled Derek's lips to her mouth. Spencer looked nervously at Emily, so she offered him a smile. She scooted over and straddled Spencer's crisscrossed legs. He wasn't sure where to put his hands, but eventually settled them on her lower back.

"Ready?" she asked him with what he thought looked like lust in her eyes.  
He nodded his head before she placed her hands on both sides of his head and placed her lips to his. There was an instant spark that made the heat between them palpable. Spencer opened his mouth, taking Emily's with his and started stroking her tongue. He was very gentle at first and Emily found herself forgetting that Derek and Penelope were behind them. She felt Spencer's hands slide up her back until they tangled in her long black hair. Their kiss intensified into a more desperate kiss that made them both want more. Emily could feel his need beneath her body and she so badly wanted to let it out. Without meaning to, Emily let out a moan. She felt Spencer smile against her mouth before they pulled away slowly. Their faces were still close together as they stared into each other's eyes. She could have stayed like that forever, but was interrupted by Penelope.  
"Wow! That was hot."

Emily slid off of Spencer's lap and went back to her spot on the ground. She could feel herself blushing as Derek and Penelope smiled at her.

"Weren't you two supposed to be kissing?" Emily said running her fingers through her hair.

"We did and then we stopped … and you kept going … and going," Penelope said letting out a chuckle.

"I take it that he's a man of his word than," Derek said.

Emily nodded. She didn't trust herself to speak. Derek continued to talk about something, but Emily tuned him out. All she could think about was Spencer. She knew she'd had a crush on him, but this was so much more. She took a chance and glanced over at him. She could see he was flushed and still trying to hide his arousal. He looked at her and smiled slightly. She smiled back. She needed this night to end now.


	2. Chapter 2 - Two Become One

_Warning: this story is rated M for this reason! While this scene involves a romantic encounter it is a very detailed and graphic encounter. I recommend exiting out of this story now if you don't like that type of story. For those that do: enjoy_

(xxxxx)

Spencer laid in the guest room staring at the spinning ceiling. Despite being drunk and tired, he couldn't sleep. He still saw the way Emily looked into his eyes. It was more than the way a friend would look at a friend. But that couldn't be right. It had to be the alcohol impairing her brain. Emily Prentiss was easily a ten and he … well he was a three at best. She wouldn't want someone like him. She was a smart beautiful woman causing men to practically throw themselves at her. Whenever they went out, heads would turn and follow her. He was just a brain. He didn't have anything worth offering her. Morgan maybe. He was muscular and sociable and funny. He was skinny and awkward and … well more people laughed at him then with him.

He heard a noise at the door and sat up, leaning on his elbows. He watched the door slowly open and saw a head poke in. Between the dark and the haze of the alcohol he couldn't quite make out the shadow. The door shut and he heard the click of the lock.

"Reid? You awake?"

"Emily?" he said surprised to hear her voice. "Are you ok?" He asked as she walked over to the bed. As she got closer he could see her more clearly. She looked so beautiful. Her long black hair cascaded down her back, while her bangs barely touched the tip of her eyelashes. Before he knew what was happening Emily climbed on top of him and put her lips on his. They kissed passionately as Emily ran her fingers through his hair.

"Wait," Spencer said pulling away from her. "What are we doing?"

"I know we're drunk, Reid, but I would hope that what we are doing is obvious," she said as she started to slowly unbutton his shirt.

Spencer grabbed her hands. "Emily, stop."

She sat up straight and brushed her hair behind her ears. "Why? I thought … it looked … I mean I thought I saw in your eyes that you … maybe like me?"

"I do like you! But we've been drinking all night," he started. "I don't want to take advantage of you."

"I'm not that drunk Spencer. I know what I'm doing. It's not like I'm going to wake up tomorrow and regret this," she said catching him off guard. She must have noticed the look that crossed his face. "What?"

"You … called me Spencer," he said.  
"Well, yea I mean. I'm trying to talk you into having sex with me. I don't think calling you by your last name is very intimate," she said kind of shyly.

With that Spencer reached out and pulled her back down on top of his chest, his lips crashing into hers frantically. He had dreamed of this moment for so long and now here it was. He was actually about to have sex with Emily Prentiss.

His hands tugged at her black tank top until it was over her head and on the floor. She reached behind her back and unclasped her bra. For a moment he reveled in her beauty. Her perfectly rounded breasts staring at him just waiting to be touched. He ran his hands over them, squeezing and massaging them as Emily tilted her head back in pleasure. He lifted himself up so he could place kisses along each of them before sucking on one of her nipples. He felt Emily running her fingers through his hair, tangling in some of the curls.

Her fingers slid down to pull on his shirt until it was over his head. She pressed her chest against his as she kissed and sucked at his neck. Spencer ran his hands down her bare back and stopped on her ass. Pushing her against his throbbing dick. Emily kissed her way down Spencer's body until she reached the skin above his pants. She sat up and unbuckled his belt, unzipped his zipper, and started to slide them off. Her heart raced at the tent in his boxer briefs. Before she could see it, Spencer grabbed her and threw her down onto the bed.

He began unbuttoning her jeans and sliding them down her body. She wore blue lace underwear. After he had her jeans off, he slid his hand slowly up her legs before running his palm over the middle of her panties. He could feel the warm wetness and felt a sense of pride that he had done that to her.

"I don't think I can handle foreplay tonight," Emily said squirming under his touch. "I need you now!" she ordered.

Spencer smiled at this and obeyed. He pulled off his boxer briefs while Emily tugged off her panties. They took a moment to look at each other fully naked. Neither feeling embarrassed or nervous, which was odd considering the situation. Spencer chalked it up to alcohol, but Emily knew it was more than that. Reaching out she pulled Spencer down on top of her, wrapping her legs around his waist. She reached down and grabbed his cock and placed the tip at her entrance.

He slowly pushed in to her and back out. It took a few mini thrusts before her body accepted him fully. Once he was all the way inside, they both let out a moan. Spencer kissed Emily feverishly as he began pushing himself in her. They both knew they wouldn't last long as they moaned in pleasure. Spencer slid his arms underneath of Emily, holding her lower body slightly off the bed. With this new angle he started hitting a sensitive area inside of Emily.

"Fuck yes, Spencer! Right there! Oh God, please don't stop!" she said in as quiet a voice as she possibly could considering.  
Spencer placed his mouth over hers again as he tried to drown out her cries of ecstasy. He began grinding faster and harder into her body. Sweat beading on his forehead.  
"Shit, oh shit! Harder baby harder," Emily whispered passionately in his ear as she sucked at his ear lobe.

He could feel himself coming closer to the edge, but Emily wasn't there yet. So he licked his thumb and placed it on top of her clit. As he thrusted more deliberately into her, he rubbed her spot swiftly.

"Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!" Emily said as she stuffed part of the comforter into her mouth.

With that Spencer felt her tighten around his dick. He couldn't hold on anymore and felt himself explode in her. Hot spurts of his cum shot inside of her body as he continued to rub at her clit, though his hand was shaking. Seconds later, Emily started to tense and then suddenly she groaned and relaxed as she climaxed. He could feel her body loosen its hold on him as he slid out of her and collapsed on his back next to her.

"Holy shit," he said as he tried to catch his breath.

"You aren't kidding," she said wiping the sweat off her forehead.

They laid there in silence for a bit, before Emily rolled onto her side.

"I have to get dressed and go back to the living room where Penny is," she said frowning in the moonlight that seeped through the curtain.

"I know," he said wishing they were at home so he could hold her against his body all night.

"That was amazing. Thank you," she said gently before getting up and dressing quickly. He watched quietly as she slipped back into her panties and jeans. Next she put her bra back on, covering her beautiful breasts. Finally she grabbed her tank top and put that on.

Emily walked around the bed and leaned down to give Spencer another kiss. This time it was gentle and sweet. He didn't want to stop, but she pulled away and walked off toward the door.  
"Goodnight Spencer," she said before opening the door.  
"Goodnight Emily," he said as she shut it.

(xxxxx)

That's where it stopped. Spencer and Emily never talked about that night again. If they tried they could probably convince themselves it never happened and it was only a dream. Every once in a while they would look at one another and their smiles reminded them that what happened was real. They both wanted that intimacy again. They missed each other and craved each other, but they knew their jobs came first so they kept on pretending.  
And then it happened. During a case involving Emily's past she was impaled by a large piece of wood. She was rushed to the hospital where they all waited for news of her condition. Spencer paced the waiting room for some time before he finally sat down next to Penelope. That's when he looked up and saw J.J.'s face as she entered the room. Her face was pale and her red-rimmed eyes were full of tears. His jaw dropped in shock. He felt like he was going to be sick. He jumped up to run when J.J. put her hands out to stop him. She pulled him into a hug to console him. He didn't know what to say – so he said the first thing that sounded natural in his fuzzy brain.

"I never got to say goodbye," he said as he broke down in her arms. What he really wanted to say was "I never got to tell her I love her."


	3. Chapter 3 - Visit From an Old Friend

_This is something I had in my mind for some time and just never had a story to go with it. Just a reminder that I rated this story M for a reason. Also, feedback is always enjoyed and appreciated._

(xxxxx)

A few weeks went by and Spencer found that he still couldn't focus. He was angry at the world. He was angry at Emily for leaving him. He was angry at himself for not telling her how he felt about her. For letting his job get in the way of his greatest love. He visited J.J. every night to try and get through his feelings without revealing his secret, but eventually he grew tired of that. He didn't want to go there anymore. He needed to find something else to ease his pain. Seeing J.J. with Will and Henry only broke his heart more. He wanted that with Emily. Why hadn't he known all this before … before it was too late?

One night after work as he walked home, he did something he wished he could take back. Something he knew he shouldn't have done. He should've taken Morgan up on his offer to go see a movie with him and Garcia. He should've accepted J.J.'s invitation to go to dinner. He could've stayed at work and helped Hotch so he could get home to Jack. Anything other than what he decided to do.

(xxxxx)

Spencer walked into his apartment and locked the door quickly. He leaned against it as if someone was following him. After a minute he stood up and walked over to his couch. He placed the paper bag on the table in front of him and stared at it. He knew he should leave it there – better yet he should throw it in the trash can. But he didn't. He just sat there looking at it. God, he missed Emily so much. He wanted to hold her in his arms. He wanted to smell her raspberry vanilla scented soap. Her Pantene Pro-V shampoo. A tear slid down his cheek. He wanted to forget about her. He wanted to get away from this pain. He finally sat forward and opened the paper bag.

He stuck his hand in and pulled out the vial of Dilaudid and a needle. He unbuttoned the sleeve of his work shirt and rolled it up past his elbow. He grabbed a rubber tourniquet out of the bag and tied it around his arm, tying it off with his teeth. He pumped his fist a few times until he saw his veins were thick enough. He filled up the needle with the liquid and held it up into the dim light seeping through his apartment. He flicked the needle a few times before turning it towards his arm. He stared at it a moment trying to talk himself out of it, but he couldn't stop seeing Emily's smiling face. He couldn't stop hearing her amazing laugh. He was now crying as hard as he had the night she first left him. He took a deep breath and plunged the needle into his arm, injecting the liquid into his veins.  
When he finished he pulled the needle from his arm and tossed it to the floor in repulsion. He grabbed the blanket off the couch and laid down to wait for the drug to kick in. He waited to disappear.

(xxxxx)

Gradually it became obvious there was something wrong with Spencer. He was withdrawing from everyone at work, easily agitated, and he was growing thinner and paler. The dark around his eyes seemed to grow larger and darker. He didn't speak up much on cases and usually needed to be coaxed into giving his opinion. This often led to sarcastic remarks or quick annoyed responses. Hotch pulled him aside a few times to try and talk to him, only to be told he was fine and just not sleeping well. Derek tried to have brother to brother talks, J.J. tried inviting him over for dinners, Penelope made him treats, Rossi offered to take him out for a few drinks, but nobody could get through to him. He kept pushing them further away. At some point they decided to have a pow-wow on what to do.

"This is serious guys. Something is wrong with Reid," Derek said leaning back in his chair. "We need to do something."

"We've all tried. What more can we do?" Rossi said.  
"He misses Emily," Penelope said with empathy.

"We all do, but it's bigger than that. This loss has done something to him. It's taken a piece of him," Derek responded. "Look at him. He's always been a stick, but now he's a twig. He's not eating, he's probably not sleeping. Has anyone followed him to see where he goes after work?"

"No, why would we follow him?" Rossi asked scrunching up his face in confusion.

"You don't think …" J.J. trailed off.

"Don't think what?" Rossi asked again.

"Before you worked here we had a case where this unsub with D.I.D. managed to kidnap Reid and torture him for days. One personality would beat him senseless, the other would make him choose people to kill … or let live as Reid spun it, and the actual man would try and protect Reid. He would protect him by giving him Dilaudid. After we got to Reid he was so damaged and haunted by the case he continued to use. He was addicted to it for some time. None of us know when or how, but he was able to kick the habit, but it was a scary time. He was always snapping at us, showing up late to work, disappearing during cases," Derek explained.

"Basically what he's doing now," Rossi interjected.

"No. No! There's no way Spence is doing that again," J.J. denied.

"It makes sense Jay," Penelope said with sadness in her eyes.

"No, he … he's probably just not sleeping well. We know he suffers from insomnia. He's told us that," she said still trying to convince herself that she hadn't let down her best friend.

"Well, there's one way to find out," Derek said standing up.

(xxxxx)

Spencer squeezed the Dilaudid into his veins before tossing the needle onto the table in front of him. He grabbed his blanket and laid down on the couch waiting for the world to fade away as usual. He found himself needing more and more shots as of late. He went from only a dose or two a day to seven or eight a day. As he laid on the couch, tears dripped from his eyes. When was the pain going to stop? He suddenly heard a sound behind him. He sat up and listened again. It sounded like someone was at the door. His hearing was becoming dull, but he was sure it was the door.

He reached out and grabbed the needle and the vial and shoved it into the side table. He slowly stood up and felt his legs getting wobbly. He felt a bit like Bambi when he first learned to walk. He heard the sound again.  
"I'm coming! Hang on!" he shouted, although it didn't come out as loud.

He finally made it to the door and unlocked everything including the chain and pulled it open. He was shocked to see Derek, Rossi, J.J., and Penelope staring back at him. He tried to stand up straighter so he didn't look so wasted.

"What are you guys doing here?" he asked as he tried to blink away the haze.

"Can we come in?" Rossi said trying to use an air of politeness. They were coming in whether he liked it or not.  
"I guess, but I was … sleeping. I'm still sort of out of it," he said running a hand through his messy hair.

"Yea you look it," Derek said with a tone of mocking.

Spencer walked over to his couch and dropped down heavily on to it. He tried to fold the blanket to make room, but was too high to do it. So he threw it behind the couch. J.J. sat on the solo chair, while Penelope sat down next to Spencer. Derek and Rossi chose to stand so they could look at Spencer better.

"What brings you guys over this late hour?" Spencer suddenly asked as he felt his eyelids growing heavier. _Fuck, they needed to go. The Dilaudid was kicking in and in about 5 minutes he was going to be out cold. A fucking limp noodle._

"It's only eight o'clock Reid," Derek stated.

"Oh, it's the sun setting early thing. Throws me off sometimes," he covered.

"Look we're going to be blunt here. We're worried about you," Rossi said as he looked at Spencer's behavior. There was no more doubt in his mind that their young genius friend was on something.

"I've told you all before. I'm fine," he said as he slowly started leaning to his right.

"You can't even sit up straight!" Derek snapped.

"I can too," Spencer said as his eyes got heavier and he continued to lean limply to the right.

Penelope looked terrified, she quickly stood up and moved towards Derek.

"Spencer did you start using Dilaudid again?" Derek asked.

Spencer tried to answer, but only a mumble escaped his lips as he lost consciousness. He was now laying on the couch with his mouth open and his legs still dangling over the side. J.J. bit her nails nervously as she watched all of this. She still didn't want to believe it. She didn't want to believe that she had caused this much pain in Spencer's life.

"Maybe … maybe he took something to help him sleep?" she tried.

"Are you fucking kidding me? J.J. he's higher than a kite. Did you not see his eyes? The boy fell asleep talking to us," Derek said angrily.

"But we don't know for sure," she tried again.

Derek walked over to a sleeping Spencer and pulled at his sleeve until it was up past his elbow. Penelope gasped at the multiple needle holes that littered his elbow crook.

"Need more proof? I bet we can find the needle and the drug," he said as he started rustling through the couch. He grabbed the left end table and opened the drawer rooting around in it. He went to the other end table and slid the drawer open, his heart dropping. He pulled out a needle and six vials of Dilaudid. He turned to J.J. and dropped them onto the coffee table. He didn't say anything he just looked at her in exasperation. J.J. had moved a hand to her mouth as she began to cry. Penelope wiped at the tears that streamed down her face as well.

"So what do we do?" Rossi asked with a sick feeling in his stomach.


	4. Chapter 4 - Time to Heal

_I know on the show when Spencer took Dilaudid it hit him immediately, but I imagine that was due to time crunch. In real life it usually takes about 15 minutes before the full effects of it kick in._

(xxxxx)

Spencer woke up and smiled. Emily was sitting in the easy chair reading a book. She had an amused smile on her lips as she turned the page gently.

"Good morning beautiful," he said sitting up.

She put the book down and turned her gaze toward him. She was smiling but his heart began to race as blood seeped from her nose, eyes, and mouth.  
"Emily? Emily, what's wrong?" he said trying to get up from the couch, but he couldn't move. "Emily!" He screamed as the hole in her stomach got larger with blood everywhere. "Emily! NO!"

Spencer sat up screaming as he looked around his living room. The morning light streaming in through the windows. His heart was racing and he was completely drenched in sweat.

"Reid? What's the matter?"

Spencer jumped when he saw Morgan walking quickly toward him. He looked around the apartment confused. _This was his house? Why was Morgan here?_ Suddenly J.J. and Garcia appeared from his bedroom and Rossi from the kitchen.  
"What's going on?" Rossi asked while drying his hands with a towel.

"I should ask the same thing," Spencer said as he rubbed his eyes. _Fuck, I need Dilaudid right now._

Derek looked at everyone before he sat on the coffee table facing Spencer.

"We're here to help you," Derek started.  
"I don't need any help. Thank you," he said annoyed by their presence.

"Yes you do Reid. We know you are using again," Derek stated.

Spencer's eyes widened as he looked at them in silence. None of them looked judgmental, but he did see signs of pity. He hated pity.

"What?" was all he could muster.  
"Don't try and play it off. We found the drugs and we got rid of it all," Derek said ready for the battle.  
"What?! You did what?! Are you fucking kidding me?" Spencer shouted as he jumped up and began digging through all of his drawers. "What right do you have to come into my home and throw away my stuff?" He said frantically.

Penelope and J.J. clutched each other in despair as they watched their sweet, gentle, quiet friend go on a drug-withdraw rampage. Spencer began knocking books off the shelf to search for hidden stashes. He bolted straight for the bedroom.

"You won't find anything. We've turned this place upside down. It's all gone Reid," Derek said standing up and following Spencer to the bedroom. "You are going to hate us right now and that's fine because we will not let you destroy yourself."

"Fuck you! Fuck you, you pretentious bastard," Spencer shouted as he ran full force at Morgan to fight him. Derek easily wrestled him down to the floor. Holding him tight in his arms.  
"Fight me all you want kid. This is for your own good. We love you and care about you too much to watch you destroy yourself," Derek huffed as he held the struggling Spencer.

"Spence, please," J.J. said desperately.  
He stopped struggling and looked up to see J.J. and Penelope sobbing. His heart hurt to see them in such pain. What was he doing? He didn't want to be like this either. With that the anger transitioned into grief. He began to cry as Derek continued to hold him.

"It's ok man. It's ok. We are here. We've got you," he said.

J.J timidly approached Spencer. She knelt down in front of him and slowly held open her arms. Derek let go of the tight grip he had on Spencer giving him the opportunity to choose her arms. Which he did. He fell into her open arms and cried until he could barely breathe.  
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I failed again," he cried.  
"You didn't fail. This is a hard time for all of us Spence," J.J. assured him.

"She would be so disappointed in me," he said in between gasps for air.

"Don't be so hard on yourself. She knows you are hurting. I'm sure she sent us to you. She wants you to heal hunny," Penelope said.

"I … I … can't … God I miss her so much," he said almost angrily. "Why did she have to die? I should have been there to protect her."  
"I feel that way too. I was her partner Reid and I couldn't save her. I held her hand … I watched … I am haunted by that moment every day," Derek said wiping away a tear. "But we can't fall apart. We need each other. Do not make me lose another person I love."

Spencer nodded as he wiped his eyes. He took a few deep breaths. It was time to sober up.

(xxxxx)

By early the next morning, Spencer had begun shaking uncontrollably. His head was pounding so much he couldn't sleep and he had to change frequently from the amount of cold sweats he experienced. He stayed in his room praying for the strength to get through the next 72 hours. These were the worst days he would experience – like a flu virus times twenty. The team alternated checking on him to make sure he was alright and didn't need any major medical attention.

By mid-afternoon, Spencer was no longer found in his room, but curled up next to the toilet shivering as he spilled what little he had in his body into the porcelain bowl. At some point, J.J. had come in and wrapped a blanket over his back and brought him a cup of water. She reached out and ran her hand through his hair triggering a flashback of Emily the night they had sex.

"No! Don't touch me!" he shouted.

J.J. recoiled in surprise. He wouldn't look at her, but he knew she was hurt. How could she not be? He just screamed at her for touching him.

"I'm sorry," he said gently.  
"It's … ok," she said with a quivering voice before leaving the room.

By midnight, he finally stopped vomiting long enough to go back to his bedroom. He was curled up in the comforter, but he couldn't sleep. He heard the door open and the soft pitter patter of feet.

"You ok, sweetheart?" Garcia asked from a distance.

He felt bad seeing how afraid the girls were to get close to him. He nodded his head and saw her turn to leave.

"Garcia," he said.

She stopped in her tracks and turned slowly.

"Will you stay with me for a bit? I don't want to be alone," he said feeling vulnerable.

Penelope seemed to contemplate the request, but finally nodded and walked to the end of the bed before sitting down.

"What can I do to help? I can read to you if you'd like? Or put on some music maybe?" she offered unsure what to do.  
"Can I tell you something?" he said ignoring her question.  
"Sure."  
"You promise to keep this between us?" he asked.

"My lips are sealed," she said locking her mouth and throwing away the key.

Spencer took a deep breath. He needed to tell someone. He couldn't handle holding it in anymore.

"I love Emily … or loved," he said not sure which was the right thing to say.

"I know sweetie. We all did," she said gently rubbing his blanket covered leg.

"No, Garcia. I loved her. Like can't stop thinking about her every second of every day love. Like I would do anything to hold her in my arms again and never let her go. Like my heart is going to stop beating because she is no longer with me," he said as tears dripped from his eyes.  
"Oh … oh Reid. I didn't know …" she said trailing off.  
"No one did. Not even her. I never told her how I felt because I was afraid. I was a stupid coward. Just like the stupid coward I am for taking Dilaudid again. Oh God why did you have to take her? Why not me?" he said as he now openly sobbed.  
"Don't say that," Penelope said as she cried along with him. Scooting closer to him on the bed, she reached out and pulled him into a hug.  
"How am I going to live every day without her in it? I don't know how to breathe anymore. I don't know how to see or hear or taste anymore. It's all gone. My world is gone. It all died with her. My soul went with her. I'm just a hollow shell," he cried into her shoulder.  
"I know. I know," she said holding him tightly. "But she wouldn't want this for you. She cared too much about you to watch you give up on life. Remember at the compound – remember how … how she risked her life by telling Cyrus she was the FBI agent? She did that to protect you Reid. She knew that you were in danger and she gave her life up for you. What would she be saying right now if she were here?" Penelope said as her tears now slipped silently.  
"She'd probably be yelling at me," he said softly.

"Yea, she'd slap the back of your head and say 'what the hell are you thinking? Now knock it off or I'm going to kick your ass!'"

They both laughed lightly at the image, but sobered quickly.  
"I know you hurt for the loss of your love. There isn't anything to stop that heartache sadly. All you can do at this point is remember all the great things about Emily and eventually your heart will heal enough to continue moving forward. Besides we need you boy wonder. Who else is going to throw random statistics and fun facts at us?"

Spencer chuckled again. They sat in silence for a few moments before Spencer moved back from their hug.

"Thank you," he said barely above a whisper.  
"Any time," she said kissing his forehead. "Now get some rest. I'm going to try and get you to eat in the morning. You're too thin," she said smiling at him.

With that she stood up and left the room. Spencer laid back on his pillow and stared at the ceiling. Tonight he would allow himself to think of all the good times he had with Emily. It was time to honor the beautiful things about her … the things he loved … loves? … about her.


	5. Chapter 5 - No More Trust

4 months had gone by since that night. It was hard at first. The team took turns staying with Spencer so he didn't have any slip ups. He started attending daily AA meetings when he wasn't on a case. If he had to be away, he'd call his sponsor and do meetings over the phone. Penelope had been good on her word and kept the secret he had shared with her. He never mentioned it to anyone else or brought it up again. He was feeling much stronger, but was about to be tested.

He had just finished eating breakfast when he got a text that he needed to be at the office immediately. He tossed his empty bowl in the sink, grabbed his satchel, and took off for the office. He walked off the elevator and made his way toward the conference room, where he ran into Derek.

"Happy 4 month anniversary," Derek said under his breath.

"Thank you," Spencer blushed. "I'm feeling good."

"You look good kid. I'm proud of you," he said throwing his arm around Spencer's shoulders.

They were the last two to walk into the conference room. They both took their seats, but were surprised to see Garcia sitting at the table as well.

"What's going on?" Derek asked her.

"No idea," Penelope shrugged.

"Well this can't be good," Rossi said.

Before further discussion could begin, Hotch and J.J. entered the room together. They both looked stressed and worried. J.J. seemed to be avoiding eye contact with everyone.

"I'm going to jump right into this. Ian Doyle is dead," Hotch said as the room filled with gasps.

Derek looked at Spencer who had suddenly lost all color in his face. "He had been hiding out in Austria for the past few months and returned to the states. He was found three days ago dead in an alley."

"Why was he back in the states?" Rossi asked.

"Do they know who killed him?" Garcia asked.

Hotch hesitated and J.J. stared at her feet. Neither had a second to answer when the sound of heels on the tiled floor interrupted their thoughts.

"Me."

The team turned and stared at the conference room door, jaws dropped in shock. Emily stood in the doorway looking back guiltily at them.

(xxxxx)

Emily's heart raced as she looked at her team. Derek looked at a loss for words, which was unusual. His little eyes were scrunched in confusion and pain. Penelope had tears in her eyes, but couldn't seem to move. Rossi looked surprised, but relieved. She was afraid to turn and look at the one person she missed the most. She slowly turned her attention to Spencer. He was looking at her with so many emotions it hurt to the core. She saw the anger in his eyes. Nowhere did she see happiness for her return.

Finally Derek interrupted the stunned silence. "What the hell is going on here?"

"I know you are all angry, but I made the choice to protect not only Emily, but all of you. With Doyle thinking Emily was dead he retreated from the United States no longer being a threat to our safety," Hotch explained. "It also gave us the upper hand on tailing him."

"Wait a minute … you faked her death? You knew this entire time?" Derek said angrily jumping to his feet.

"Morgan, I realize this is upsetting, but I assure you I didn't take the decision lightly," Hotch stated.

"You didn't take it lightly? You didn't think we could handle that secret?" Derek said as he paced.

"It's not that I didn't trust you, it's that I did what I thought was best. The more people who knew about this, the greater the danger," Hotch said keeping his voice calm.

"You knew too didn't you?" Spencer suddenly said interrupting.

Derek glanced at him and followed his gaze to J.J. who had tear filled eyes. She looked like a deer in headlights.

"I … I …" she stuttered as she looked to Hotch.

"I made her swear to keep it a secret," Hotch spoke for her.

"Ohhhhh, I see so she's trustworthy enough for this secret, but the rest of us had to be left in the dark. Tortured by the loss of a friend," Derek said getting more fired up.

"Again, I understand your anger, but …" Hotch said trying to calm the room down.

"There are no buts, Hotch! This is bullshit!" Derek said slamming his fists down on the back of his chair.

Everyone was stunned by his outbursts. He was not one to get too emotional and especially didn't curse at superiors.  
"I know this is a lot to take in, so take all the time you need to gather your thoughts," Hotch said leaving the room for his office.

Penelope ran straight to Emily and pulled her into a hug, while Rossi walked over to greet her as well. Derek and Spencer both got up and left the room angrily. Emily followed after them.

"Morgan, Reid wait," she said as they continued to walk off.

"Emily, not right now. I need time to process this. I'm not mad at you, I'm just … I don't even know," Derek said stopping in his tracks.

"Reid?" Emily said hopefully.

But Spencer kept on walking away. He didn't even stop or turn around. He headed straight for the elevators where he walked on and disappeared. Emily and Derek watched him leave.

"You have no idea what he's been through," Derek said looking at her.

"I know and I'm sorry," she said.

With that she ran off toward the elevator to follow him.

(xxxxx)

Outside it had started to rain heavily, but Spencer didn't seem to care or notice. He walked down the fairly empty streets as the wind blew his short hair all over the place.

"Reid!"

He heard Emily calling his name, but couldn't find it in him to stop. He didn't want to see her. To face her. She had left him. He thought she was dead. He nearly killed himself due to the grief and now she was back as if nothing happened.

"Spencer, please stop!" Emily pleaded.

"What? What could you possibly say to me Emily?" he shouted as he finally stopped walking.

"I'm sorry. I know you're hurting," she started.

"You're sorry? Oh well than all is forgiven isn't it?" Spencer snapped.

"I know this isn't easy for you …"

"Easy? Of course it isn't fucking easy Emily. I thought you were dead! The whole time … the whole time you were alive and …" he couldn't gather his thoughts. He was so angry his heart racing. His hair now plastered to his forehead.

"I wanted to tell you. I didn't want to do this. I swear it was the only way to protect you," she said as tears filled her eyes.  
"Emily I nearly killed myself over your loss. How the fuck did you protect me?" he shouted at her.

Emily's heart stopped. He wasn't serious was he? He didn't really try to kill himself.

"Time's up. We need to be back at the office. Back to pretending we're family," he said walking off toward the office.

Emily watched him walk away as she wiped at her rain and tear soaked face. This was going to be worse than she thought.


	6. Chapter 6 - Used

Spencer sat on his couch trying to look over the notes he brought home with him. He had just left the office with the promise to return tomorrow morning with the rest of the team. As he stared at the papers littering his coffee table, there was a knock at the door. He stood up and walked over, swinging the door open.

"Emily, there's nothing more to say," Spencer said as he sighed heavily.

"Are you kidding me? Of course there's more to say. Spencer, out of everyone I wanted to tell you where I was the most. There were so many nights I thought of writing you or calling you anonymously just to hear your voice," she said.

"But you couldn't. I know, you've already said that," Spencer said rolling his eyes.

"Please, I know it's going to take a lot to forgive me, but please don't push me away. I can't … I can't bare that," she said as a tear slipped from her eyes.

"What did you think you would accomplish here? What were you hoping for exactly?" Spencer asked as he folded his arms across his chest.

"I don't know. I … I guess I'd hoped you at least hear me out … and we could work on fixing us," she said.

"Us?" he said raising an eyebrow.  
"I know … we never talked about that … um … that night, but I think about it all the time. It's the only thing that got me through this. Knowing someday I might get to see you again," she said nervously.

"So you hoped that you'd come here and I'd pull you in my arms," he said as he did just that. "Tell you how much I missed you and can't live without you." Emily closed her eyes as a tear slid down her cheek. She felt his warm finger wipe the tear away.

Spencer put his hand into her soft black hair and pushed her face to his. Their lips crashing together. Emily sighed as she opened her mouth and attacked his tongue with hers. As they ravaged each other's mouths, Spencer began to unbutton her black button up shirt. Once it was halfway unbuttoned he pulled it over her head before taking off her bra. He didn't waste a moment in tugging his shirt off. Once he tossed it to the floor, he lifted her up in his arms and carried her into his bedroom.

Placing her down on the bed, he unclasped her gray pants and pulled them off, leaving her in just her underwear. Spencer climbed on top of her, Emily threw her arms around his neck pulling him down to her mouth.

"I missed you so much," Emily said as Spencer sucked at her neck. Trailing his kisses and tongue down her body. Suckling at her breasts as she moaned in pleasure.

Spencer ran his hand down her body and teased her entrance with his palm rubbing the outside of her panties. Emily squirmed under his touch, biting her bottom lip as she moaned. "I missed your touch. I dreamed of this every night," she said as she ran her hand across his face.

Spencer didn't say anything he just watched her a moment before slipping her panties to the side and slipping his finger into her. Emily gasped as she arched against his touch. He continued to press his finger firmly into her as he added another, while rubbing her clit with his thumb. Emily clutched at the bedsheets as she grunted and cried out.

"Come here, I want you close to me," she said breathlessly. "I want to feel you inside of me."

"Not yet. Let yourself go. Let me watch you let go," he said as he pushed his fingers harder and quicker.

Emily moaned and closed her eyes as she let herself feel his touch. It felt so good to feel him again. She thought they would never get this intimacy back. Her heart was soaring and soon she felt herself growing tighter.

"Yes, Spencer, right there. Oh … yes … fuck you're so good," she cried. "I'm almost there! Fuck Spencer … fuck!" Suddenly he felt the warmth of her orgasm spilling out of her onto his fingers, his wrist, and the bedsheet.

He pulled his finger out and stood up from the bed, wiping his hand off on the comforter. He bent down and grabbed Emily's pants laying them on the bed. He started to walk out of the bedroom, when Emily sat up startled.

"Spence? Where are you going?" she asked grabbing the sheet to cover her body. She suddenly felt exposed and self-conscious.

She waited until Spencer returned carrying her shirt and tossed it to her. Emily looked at it in stunned silence as she watch him put his shirt back on.

"Spencer …" she said as tears filled her eyes.  
"You can go now," he said.

"What? Why … are you doing this?" she asked as she shook in the bed.

"You know how you feel right now? Completely broken, stripped raw? That is how you left me among many other emotions. All I ever meant to you was a good fuck. So you got what you came for, you can go," he said bitterly.

Emily's jaw was dropped in shock. She couldn't believe her sweet Spencer would ever be this sadistic toward her. To leave her this vulnerable … the way … she left him. She started sobbing.  
"Spencer, I'm sorry. I know that I can never make up for what I did to you, but I promise you that I never ever used you for sex. I meant what I said about missing you. My feelings for you are genuine," she said as tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Bullshit Emily! If you cared an ounce about me you would have never left me the way you did! You would never have left me to mourn the loss of the woman I loved with all my heart. You were everything to me Emily and … and I fucking … I would've died for you. I would've done anything I could've to protect you from Doyle, but you chose to leave. To hide and never look back. I would never do that to you. I would never leave the person I loved," he said as tears now filled his eyes.

"Spencer, we can fix this. I love you too and I won't ever leave you again," she said jumping up from the bed no longer caring that she was practically naked.

"It doesn't matter Emily. There will never be an us," he said as he walked out of the room. She watched as he grabbed his wallet and keys.

"Where are you going? This is your place?" she said panicking.  
"I'm going to go out for a bit," he said as he reached for the doorknob.

"You … you said you would never leave the person you love," she said.

He held the doorknob before turning it and swinging the door open. "I wouldn't." With that the door closed leaving Emily to drop to the floor in hysterics.

(xxxxx)

Penelope tied her purple fuzzy robe tight around her waist as she shuffled to the front door. Unlocking it and swinging the door open, she saw a distraught Emily staring back at her.

"Emily? What's wrong?" she asked concerned.

"I didn't know where else to go," Emily sobbed.

"Oh sweetness, come here," Penelope said as she pulled Emily into her arms.

Ten minutes later they were snuggled into the couch, each with a cup of hot tea in their hands.

"So you want to tell me what happened?" Garcia asked as she placed her cup down.

"I fucked up Pen. Big time," Emily said as she stared blankly at the floor.  
"Elaborate," Penelope said tucking her feet underneath of her.

"There … was someone I cared about deeply. Who I really hurt by leaving …" she started.

"Look, you woke me up at 2 in the morning to talk. So please do me the favor of being completely open with me. I will keep any information to myself, but I'm going to get annoyed with this vague nonsense," Penelope said a little grumpily.

Emily nodded and took a deep breath.

"The night at Rossi's, where we were all drinking and fooling around?" she began. Penelope nodded her remembrance. "The kiss with Reid … I … gosh why is this so hard to say out loud?" Penelope gave her a hard stare, so Emily closed her eyes and just blurted it out. "I wanted to kiss him way before that night. I don't know when things began to change, but I constantly dreamed of being more than just friends with him. I never said anything because I didn't think he would feel the same way and couldn't risk ruining our friendship. That night after the kiss, I felt the spark and I knew I needed more. So, when you fell asleep I snuck into his bedroom and we had sex."

"O! M! G! Shut up!" Penelope gasped. "Was it good? How big is he? Is he skilled?"

"Garcia!" Emily admonished.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly. "We'll get to that later. Go on."

Emily took a deep breath. "I wanted to talk about it with him more, but I was still so afraid of his rejection that we never spoke of that night again."

"What?" Penelope said. "Ok, sorry. Mouth shut. I know."

"When Hotch told me that he faked my death to protect the team I didn't want to. I told him no, but he told me we were all in danger. Besides Doyle coming after me, he had made various threats regarding the team as well. I begged Hotch to let the team know, but he said that it risked their lives and he refused to tell them. I wrote Spencer a note, but tore it up remembering how many people left him goodbye notes … plus Hotch would've probably killed me himself if he found out. So with that, I had to go to Paris. Where I pretended to be Isabella Furee. It was horrible and I spent most of my days in my flat. Eventually I was sick of hiding and decided I'd rather die than never see you guys again. So I flew back home. Apparently Doyle followed me. One night when I was out for a walk, I saw him. I pretended I hadn't and walked into an alley where I bent over to 'tie my shoe.' Before he could reach me I turned and shot him straight in the head. Honestly I don't know how he was that stupid after all these years to be that easy to kill. I mean I literally followed that asshole around the world and in one stupid move I was able to take him down."

"Sounds like you had an angel watching over you," Penelope said watching her with amazement.

Emily shrugged.

"I don't deserve it. Not after what I put you guys through. Especially Reid," she said sadly.

"I know its hard Emily, but he will forgive you. He went through a lot while you were gone. He took it harder than anyone, which now makes sense given your history," Penelope said.

"Tonight I went to see him and I tried to talk to him. I really don't want to talk about what happened, but it didn't end well. Let's just say I was left humiliated and he stormed out of the house leaving me alone," she said still nauseous at the thought of being left the way she had.

"Wait, where did he go? Did he say where he was going?" Penelope asked sitting up straighter.

"Uh … no … he didn't. Why?" Emily asked scrunching her brow in confusion.  
"Oh boy! Oh boy!" Penelope jumped up and grabbed her cell phone.  
"What's going on?" Emily said watching Penelope pace her living room, phone to ear.

"Derek, I'm sorry to wake you, but we have a Code Reid! He isn't there with you is he?"

"Code Reid?" Emily repeated.

"Ok, ok. I'm on it. Give me a second," Penelope ignored Emily racing towards another room.

Emily followed her to see that she dropped in front of her computer. She turned it on and began typing furiously away as multiple screens popped up. After a moment, a small map with a red dot appeared with Spencer's address flashing.

"He's at his place. Ok, we're on our way," Penelope said as she hung up the phone.  
"Garcia what is going on?" Emily cried as her heart raced.

"No time. We need to go. I'll explain on the way."


	7. Chapter 7 - Fire

By the time Penelope pulled into Reid's apartment complex, Emily was all caught up on Spencer's drug relapse. If she hadn't felt like the scum of the earth before, she certainly felt that way now. How could she have let this happen to him? No wonder he was so angry at her. Derek pulled in only seconds behind them and they raced into the building, running up the steps quickly. When they reached the third floor, Derek pounded on Spencer's door.  
"Reid, open up!" he hollered. Clearly not caring about the neighbors.

He knocked furiously again, when he heard Reid shout he was coming. They heard the locks unclicking before he swung the door open. He looked disoriented. His hair was a mess and his eyes were glazed.

"What?" he growled.

"Can we come in?" Penelope said politely.

"Sure, it's only like 3 in the morning. Who needs sleep anyway? It's overrated," he said sarcastically moving to the side.

Once everyone was in the entryway they stared at him expectantly.

"Can I ask what do I owe this pleasure?" he said faking a smile.  
"Are you high?" Derek asked bluntly.

"Well we're getting right down to business aren't we," he said giving them each a dirty glare. Especially Emily. "No Morgan, I'm not high. I'm tired. I was sleeping. I was woken up by you three pounding like angry villagers."

"Let me see your arms," Derek insisted.

Spencer rolled his eyes. "I suppose saying no is out of the question?"

"You voluntarily show me or I'll roll them up myself," Derek stated.

"See what trouble you cause," Spencer said to Emily before rolling up his sleeves.

Emily recoiled at the hurtful comment. Derek and Penelope visibly relaxed at Spencer's clear skin.

"We didn't mean to accuse you. I just know …" Derek began.

"That the she-demon is back and I wouldn't know how to handle it so I'd go on a drug binge again. I get it, but you can all chill because I didn't go get drugs. I have no intention of getting any drugs. I just want to sleep," he said rubbing his face.

Emily tried to hold back her tears, but was proving to be unsuccessful.  
"Reid, I know you're upset, but I think you are being way too hard on Emily," Derek said.  
"Is that so? Ok, well how about I just go pretend I'm dead for a while and then I'll come back in like 5 months and we'll reevaluate this situation," he said mockingly.

"Reid," Penelope said defensively.

"I'm sorry, Spencer. I really and truly am so sorry. I wish I could go back in time and do it differently, but I can't. I never meant to hurt you or any of you. I can see that I'm only causing more problems and I can assure you, you won't need to worry. I will stay out of your way and as soon as I possibly can I will find a way to transfer out. I'm glad you are ok. Morgan, Garcia, I'm going home. Goodnight," she said tearfully as she turned and left the apartment.

Penelope ran after Emily, leaving Derek alone with Spencer.  
"Come on man, this isn't you," Derek said in disgust.

"The real me died with Emily Prentiss. I will never get over what she did and I kindly ask that you let it be. I know you are worried about me, but I'm still going to meetings and I have no desire to take Dilaudid. I just want to sleep. So please go home and I'll see you tomorrow," Spencer said void of emotion.

Derek shook his head and walked toward the door. "What happened was messed up, but she doesn't deserve this. I don't like this Spencer Reid and I don't believe for one second he died a long time ago. He's still there and you're too much of stubborn ass to let him out. So you keep those walls up all you want, but don't expect me to have your back when you act like this."

Derek shut the door, leaving Spencer alone and angry.

(xxxxx)

Spencer, Derek, J.J. and Emily took off running toward mansion. Once they opened the front door, Derek and Emily ran upstairs, while Spencer and J.J. checked the downstairs. Throughout the house the sound of "clear" could be heard. Spencer walked into the kitchen and ducked just in time as a bullet flew past his head. It hit a glass cabinet that showered down on him. He jumped up to follow the unsub out the backdoor, yelling into his com-link. As he burst through the back door and ran full speed towards the man, he heard J.J. running behind him. The unsub was nearing a fence. If Spencer didn't act now, they would lose him. Stopping in his track, he let two rounds go. The second knocked the unsub off his feet.

"Nice shot," J.J. said as she ran past him.

They reached the unsub who was lying face down moaning and holding his leg.

"My knee! You shot my knee!" the man cried.  
"You're lucky that's all I hit," Spencer said as he turned the man over to handcuff him.

Suddenly behind them there was a loud explosion. Spencer and J.J. turned around to see the entire house engulfed in flames. A few police officers reached them and offered to stay with him until the medics arrived. Spencer and J.J. nodded and ran off towards the house. When they reached the front yard, they both looked around for their team. J.J. spotted Rossi and Hotch over by a giant tree.

"Where's Morgan and Prentiss?" J.J. asked.

"Still inside," Rossi said with a look of fear on his face. "They aren't responding."

"What?" Spencer said as he reached them.

"Morgan? Prentiss? Do you copy?" Hotch said into the com-link.

There was no response. Spencer could feel his heart racing and head spinning. He needed to get inside and save her. He couldn't let anything happen to her. Especially not after what he said. Spencer started to run towards the front door, but Rossi had reached out and grabbed him around the waist.

"No way, Kid. It's too dangerous," he said holding him back.

"Let go! I need to get in there!" he shouted as he tried to push away Rossi's hands.  
"Reid, it's too dangerous. The fire department is nearly here," Hotch said with authority.

Spencer threw his hands into his hair and looked at J.J. who was staring back at him with the same fear in her eyes. They both watched the giant mansion burning brilliantly as they silently prayed.

"Morgan? Prentiss? Do you copy?" they heard Hotch say again.

With that they heard a loud window smash. They took off running toward the sound. When they reached the back yard, Spencer spotted Derek climbing out the second story window.

"Morgan!" Spencer shouted as the team ran closer to where he was climbing down a drain pipe.

Once Derek landed on his feet, he began coughing.

"Morgan was Prentiss with you?" Hotch asked as they reached him.

"I'm right here."  
They looked up and saw Emily climbing out the window next. Spencer nearly fell to his knees in relief. He watched as she shimmied down the pipe and waited to help her get down the rest of the way. She was surprised to see he was the one helping her.

"Thank you," she said before letting out a loud cough.

"Are you ok?" Spencer asked her as they walked away from the burning building.

"I think so," she said before sitting down in the grass.

"We were just heading to the stairs when the entire downstairs blew up," Derek said in a bit of shock. "Knocked us both off our feet." Rossi was looking Derek over while he told them what happened inside.

Spencer kept looking Emily over and noticed her arm was blistering.

"Come on, we need to get you to a medic," he said helping her to her feet.

Once the fire department arrived and the scene calmed down, Spencer walked over to the ambulance to check on Emily. She was sitting on the bumper as one of the medics rolled gauze around her arm.

"How's the arm?" he asked.

"It's fine. Second degree burn. Nothing serious," Emily responded avoiding eye contact.

After the medic finished and walked off to check on Derek, Spencer stood alone with Emily.

"Emily," he started.  
"It's ok. I'm fine. You don't have to worry," Emily said getting up and walking off.

"Wait, please let me talk," he said following her.

Emily stopped and looked at him with so much sadness in her eyes that it actually hurt him. He had caused that pain and all because he was afraid.

"I'm sorry. For everything. I'm sorry for the way I treated you and what I said to you. I was scared. I have never felt so depressed … so alone than when I thought you were dead. I have been through a lot of shit in my life and I've never wanted to die before … until I lost you. When you came back I felt relief and shock and my love for you came rolling back. But then I thought about losing you again and how I couldn't bear to feel that way again. So I put up a wall to keep you out. To protect myself from that pain," he said as he shook with emotion.

"Spencer, believe me I understand why you did what you did. I wish none of this ever happened and I could take it all back, but I'm here now and I won't go anywhere ever again. I would never make that same mistake twice. I can't live without you. I've tried and I can't," she said as tears slipped from her eyes. "I came back for you. I wasn't supposed to come home, but I decided I'd rather die than spend another minute without you."

Spencer took a deep breath as tears filled his eyes. He tried to blink it away when he felt Emily's arms around his neck. Without caring who was watching, Spencer wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. He pressed his lips into her hair kissing her.

"I love you Emily," he said.

Emily pulled back from their hug with a look of surprise on her face. Spencer lifted his hands to her cheeks and used his thumbs to wipe away her tears.

"I've loved you from the moment you stepped foot into the BAU. The moment you first spoke Arabic and saw how you weren't just a knock out, but brilliant as well," he said.

Emily pulled his mouth to hers and kissed him feverishly.

"Does that mean you love me too?" he asked leaning back a bit.  
"Hell yes it does," she said before pulling him back to her mouth.

Behind them, they heard someone clear their throat. Breaking the kiss they turned to see Rossi, Hotch, Morgan, and J.J. staring at them. J.J. wore a smile, Derek and Rossi had smirks, Hotch held an unreadable expression.

"We'll talk about this later?" Spencer said wincing.  
"Yep," Hotch said before walking off.

"Oh we'll talk about this later too," Derek grinned as he walked away with Rossi and J.J.

"Well, this should be fun," Spencer said turning back into Emily's arms.

"We'll figure it out. We always do," she said as she kissed him again.


	8. Chapter 8 - Hope

11 months later …

Spencer and Derek were walking towards Emily, who sat at her desk reading a folder. Derek grinned as he placed a stack of folders on Emily's desk.

"Nooooo. No more! This is boringggg," Emily whined.

"Well, you should've thought about that before missy," Derek teased her as he walked off.

Spencer chuckled as he leaned over and gave Emily a quick kiss. She leaned back in her chair smiling at him.

"It won't be much longer now," he said as he laid his hand on her large belly. "The baby is due in two weeks."

"If I don't die of boredom before then," Emily said pouting.

"You won't die of boredom, I promise," Spencer said giving her another peck on her lips.

"I miss the action. The most action I have now is trying to maneuver myself out of this chair," she said half joking.

"Babe, you have a very important job of protecting our child. You are on security detail 24/7," Spencer said sitting down at his desk.

"Leave it to you to figure out a way to make pregnancy sound fun," Emily said giggling.

"Here, give me some of your files. I'll help you," he said.

"No, it's fine. If you do them all I'll wind up following Garcia around the office and as much as she loves company, a grumpy pregnant woman is not fun," Emily said.

Spencer chuckled as he reached into his satchel and pulled out a blue wrapped item. He tossed it to Emily and a smile broke out on her face.

"Rice Krispy Treats! Oh, sweetie you know the way to this woman's heart," she grinned as she ripped open the paper. "You don't happen to have …"

Spencer held up a container of Peanut Butter.

"Damn you are good. I'll reward you for that later," she said as she dipped the Rice Krispy Treat into the Peanut Butter. "Mmmmm, that shit is so good."

"Yo Prentiss, give me a bite!" Derek said walking over to steal some of her food.

"No way! Back off or you lose a finger," she growled.

Derek looked at Spencer who held his hands up.

"I would not mess with her. Last week I took a bite of her pizza and she almost castrated me," Spencer said.

"Bring it on girl," Derek teased as he reached down to break off a piece of the treat.

Emily swung her hand at him and the two playfully wrestled, with Emily still firmly seated in the chair. Spencer laughed at the two.  
"Don't hurt my baby," Spencer called out as he leaned back in his chair.

"Thanks hunny," Emily said as she swatted Derek in the head.  
"I meant, the actual baby. You can take care of yourself. I should ask you not to hurt Morgan," he teased.

With that Emily grabbed her stomach and grunted. Spencer and Derek both stopped.

"Are you ok?" "What happened?" The boys said simultaneously.  
Emily shoved the rest of the treat into her mouth.

"Hahaha sucka," she said with her mouthful.

"Oh, that was low," Derek said shaking his head.

Suddenly Emily grabbed her stomach again.

"Hahaha, very funny. Not falling for it this time," Derek said rolling his eyes.

Emily grabbed the trash can and spit the treat into the can. She grabbed her stomach again and grunted. "Shit, no it actually hurts," she said massaging her belly.  
Spencer jumped up from his chair and ran to her.

"Where's it hurt?" he asked.  
"My stomach it's … it's really tight. It keeps squeezing and getting tighter," she said trying to breath.

"Morgan, can you go get J.J.?" Spencer asked.  
Derek nodded and ran off toward her office.

"How long has this been happening?" Spencer asked.  
"I don't know. Off and on for the past couple of days, but today has been the worst. It's getting more frequent and more painful," she said.

"Babe, I think you're in labor," he said holding her hand.

"No, my water didn't break," Emily assured him.  
"Just because your water didn't break, it doesn't mean you aren't in labor. Many pregnancies the doctors have to break the water for you," Spencer said.

With that Emily shut her eyes and squeezed Reid's hand tightly. He looked at his watch and timed how long she squeezed his hand for. When Emily opened her eyes again, she saw J.J. kneeling in front of her with Derek standing behind watching.

"How long are the contractions?" J.J. asked.

"That last one timed at 56 seconds," Spencer stated.

"Emily how long in between each one?" J.J. said rubbing Emily's knee as Emily took deep breaths.  
"Uh, I don't know. I wasn't paying attention. I just figured it was those braxten hicks things," Emily replied as she rubbed her belly.

"Your water didn't break?"

"No," Emily said.

"Spence, I think it might be time to take her to the hospital," J.J. said standing up.  
Spencer nodded and started to help Emily stand up, when she dropped back onto the chair groaning as another contraction hit.

"That was less than 5 minutes," Derek said looking nervously at his watch.

"Definitely time to go," J.J. said.  
"You want me to go get the car?" Derek offered.  
"Yes, please," Spencer said as he threw the keys to Derek. "Come here, put your arm around me."

Emily draped her arm over Spencer and they started slowly walking to the elevator.  
"I'm going to go round up the team," J.J. said grinning.

Spencer nodded as he kept walking with Emily.

(xxxxx)

At the hospital, Emily was already hooked up to the machines, had her water broken for her, and refused epidural's numerous times, by the time J.J. and Penelope arrived.  
"Babe, there is nothing wrong with getting an epidural," Spencer assured her as he watched her wince in pain.  
"I. Don't. Want. It," she said through gritted teeth.

Spencer had to try not to laugh at the face she made when she said it. He ran his fingers through her sweaty hair and smiled.  
"Alright, I won't say another word about it," he said.

"How are you feeling?" J.J. asked as she walked over to the side of Emily's bed.  
"Like I'm about to try and shove a watermelon out of my vagina," Emily said irritably.

This time, Spencer did laugh, but thankfully Emily didn't see it. Penelope slapped him on the shoulder, but she, too, was smiling.

"Did the doctor say how far along you are?" J.J. asked Emily.

"8 centimeters," Emily replied before squeezing her eyes shut and gripping the rail on her bed.

J.J. rubbed her back soothingly until Emily relaxed again.  
"Where's Reid? I wanna punch him in the balls," Emily said as she wiped a strand of wet hair from her face.  
J.J. shot Spencer a sympathetic look. He seemed unfazed by her words. She figured he probably read a lot of books regarding pregnancy and births. The door to the room opened and the nurse walked in.

"How are we feeling Emily?" the nurse asked as she looked at Emily's numbers and wrote them down.

"I'm great. Ready to go for a run," Emily said sarcastically.  
The nurse chuckled. "I know darlin', had me 5 kids and all of them natural," the nurse replied as she slid over to the bed. "Alright, let's see how we are doing here." The nurse lifted the covers and slid her hand along Emily's entrance. A smile came to her face. "Well, it looks like it's time. Anyone who doesn't want to stay for this delivery, I suggest you exit now. Emily, I'm going to go call your doctor and we are going to start pushing this baby out. Are you ready?"

"No turning back now," Emily replied.

"You've got that right," the nurse grinned before walking out of the room.

J.J. and Penelope gave Emily quick kisses before leaving the room. Spencer walked over to the bed and grabbed Emily's hand.

"I'm sorry you are hurting. I wish I could take your place," he said gently.

"I wish you could too," she said before letting a small smile show.

"It's almost over. I'm so proud of you," he said kissing her forehead. "You are the bravest woman I know."  
Another contraction hit her as he held her hand after a minute she relaxed and turned to him.

"I'll say nice things to you later," she said causing Spencer to laugh.

Just then the room began to fill with nurses and the doctor came in last.

"Alright Emily. Let's do this. Let's get that baby out," he said as he scooted to the end of her bed that was being transitioned into a delivery table. "You ready to push?"

Emily nodded as Spencer and a nurse took their places holding her legs.

(xxxxx)

An hour and a half later, J.J.'s phone pinged. She looked down.  
"It's Spence! The baby's here!" she said jumping up and down. "He said we can come to the room now."

Once they knocked on the door and heard come in, they swung it open. Spencer was leaning over Emily smiling down at the small baby laying in Emily's arms.

"Well, is it a girl or a boy?" Penelope asked. Her eyes lit up with excitement.

"Guys, meet Hope Elana Reid," Spencer said smiling at the group.  
"A girl!" Penelope and J.J. squealed.

"Where did you get Elana from?" Rossi asked.

"It's a combination of our mom's names," Spencer replied.

The girls awed before rushing to Emily's side so they could look at the sleeping baby. While Derek, Rossi, and Hotch each gave Spencer a hug of congratulations. When Spencer pulled out of Derek's arms he had tears in his eyes.

"Way to go kid," Derek said ruffling Spencer's hair.  
"I didn't do anything. She did it all," Spencer said looking at Emily as she fawned over their daughter. He could see the love in her eyes. The pride and joy. It's like the second the baby exited Emily's body, Emily instantly morphed into a different Emily. A mom. She looked up for a second to smile at Spencer. Her eyes glistening as tears dripped from his eyes.

"I love you," she mouthed to him.  
"I love you too," he mouthed back.

"Ok, ok, move over. Uncle Derek wants a turn to hold his goddaughter," Derek said walking over to Emily giving her a quick kiss on her forehead.

"Um, no way, the godmother is first!" J.J. snapped.

"Don't you two start, we all know I will be the first to hold the baby," Penelope said joining the fight.

Spencer laughed as they all argued jokingly about who should hold the baby first.

"I'm going to put this out there. I didn't fire you two for breaking the fraternization rule and was able to convince the Assistant Director to allow you both to stay on the team," Hotch said with a smirk on his face.

"Well son of a bitch," Derek said as he stepped back.  
"Hey watch your mouth around my daughter, Morgan," Emily joked.

"Looks like Hotch is the winner guys, sorry," Spencer laughed as Hotch stepped up to take the baby from Emily.

"She's beautiful," Hotch said allowing a smile to grace his usually serious face. "Hard to believe that Jack used to be this small."

"Time flies," J.J. agreed as she leaned over Hotch's arms to peer at the baby.

Emily tried to hide a yawn, but Rossi noticed it.  
"Alright, guys. We can fight over this baby some more tomorrow. Let these kids get some rest," he said.

Emily shot him a grateful glance. He nodded as he gave her a quick hug and a kiss.

"Sleep well," he said. "Congratulations."  
"Thank you," Emily said.

One by one the group said their goodbyes leaving the room quiet.  
"Get some rest. I'll keep an eye on her," Spencer said as he held Hope in his arms.  
"I love you so much," Emily said as she looked at him holding their child. Her heart was melting at the way he stared at the bundle in his arms.

"I love you too. More than words will ever be able to express," he said leaning over to give her a kiss. "Now get some rest. You've earned it."

Emily smiled before snuggling into the bed. She smiled at the sound of Spencer humming to the baby. For the first time since she could remember she was full of only happiness. Not a single worry or fear in her heart or mind. They were complete.

*** THE END ***

 _Unlike in the movies, giving birth is a slow process and a lot more relaxed then it seems. When I had my girls, I was allowed to have anyone I wanted in the room and nobody wore scrubs or anything special. With my first I had 4 people with me from my family and husbands, along with about 2-4 Doctors/Nurses. With my second, I had 4 people with me from my family and husbands, along with – I kid you not – about 6 nurses and nurses in training and my doctor. It was like a party. They'd ask me to push and then start talking about what they were doing that weekend. It was hilarious._

 _My bed also got transitioned into the delivery bed so I never left the room I was in the entire time. There was no screaming or anything either. It was completely laid back – with some pain lol._

 _Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the story! I have another one coming out soon!_


	9. Thank Yous!

*The review thing isn't working – but I wanted to say THANK YOU soooooo much for the comments! Made my day to know that you enjoy my story!

Tannerose5 – I was sort of shocked that J.J. got off as easy as she did with lying to Reid. I mean, I get it was supposed to be for work and she needed to keep Hotch's secret … but when do you put your friends before work? I wouldn't have been able to watch him hurt like that and not speak up.

I also really, really wished they would put them together. It seemed in early episodes there was maybe a chance, but after last week's episode … she seemed flirty with Luke … I am not pleased with that. I hope they don't end up together. That would really bug the crap out of me!

Again – THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

I will be writing more! Currently working on one now – have a great ending planned – just need to figure out the middle.


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